I am going to be very see-through in today's writing. Why? Because I need to be honest. VERY honest. I have a story, more like stories, to tell about a God that is bigger than me. He chases after me with a passion unlike anything I have ever known.
Let's take a look back to June...I could not rid myself of this question..."Mirror, mirror on the wall...who is the biggest fake of them all?" As I would look in my reflection the answer would come screaming back at me, "YOU!" I had lived most of my adult life looking into a mirror and not liking what I saw. I don't mean my hair, my body, my smile, etc. I mean my eyes, and I don't mean the color of them...I mean the lies that they held, the buried secrets, the need for anonymity. I LOVED lots of people to be around me, and I mean a lot. I hid well in a lot of people. My "personality" could be unleashed and I could make people belly laugh at a moments notice. Very few get to see me one on one. That was far too intimate for me. That might have required baring myself to them. That could have produced pain.
I hated looking in the mirror. I saw a coward for many years. I KNEW God had plans for me, yet I constantly told Him no. I would then become so disenchanted with Him when I wasn't happy, joyful, or just not getting my way. I knew bondage and obligation and guilt. I knew it well.
I NEVER want to forget where I once was...I ALWAYS want to remember. Not in order to LIVE in the past...but to be constantly aware of it and to be constantly reminded that life outside of Jesus is no life at all.
I have recently surrendered all. I can honestly say wherever He leads I will follow, when He waits, I will wait and when He moves, I will move.
Now, when I look into the mirror...I don't have to wonder what I am looking at...who that person really is...whether I will be "found out". What I see is a beautiful child of God surrendered to the love of her life, I see a life changed, I can honestly say out loud to myself, "you are different. You are different because of Him." I am forgiven and I am moving forward, with Him...IN Him.
God has revealed to me a great love living inside of me; the Holy Spirit. Thank you Jesus for your wholly broken body; for your sacrifice. It is truly Amazing Grace that set me free. AND I do mean TRULY free...I am FREE...Free Indeed!
Michelle, you just bring me to tears as I read how you saw yourself all this time when you looked in the mirror. As you know for years when I first came to know you I only communicated with you via email and I truly believe I got to know the part of you that was truly living for Jesus, you were such a light for me. I know when i recently told you this you were so stunned I really saw that in you way back in 2009, it was truly that only you I knew and the profile picture you posted on Facebook that for years looked like an angel to me. I am glad you explained the reason for avoiding one on ones, I always wondered why I could not meet with you since we only lived 5 minutes apart. I hope one day soon you will be ready to have some one on ones with me over the Internet via a web conference tool. You will never forget what it was like to live without Jesus in your life, there are plenty of people out there living apart from Him just ask them while you are saving them. Lastly, the Holy Spirit, what a true blessing, I call it my built in GPS (God Positioning System) it lets me know what to do each day each thought each step if I listen....
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